I think im going to throw up on grandma
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
