If that was your dad, he is hot
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
