Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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