and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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