I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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