i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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