I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
