what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
