wakey wakey hands off snakey
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
