I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
