This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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