I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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