he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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