he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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