Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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