When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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