My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
