im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
