Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I want a musical about memes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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