Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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