1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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