He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
