gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
