I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
