Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
