The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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