A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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