so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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