You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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