my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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