I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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