broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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