If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
