I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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