Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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