I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
