There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
