just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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