Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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