hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He shit in the fireplace
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
