I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
