sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
