I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
