I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
