The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
