Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
