why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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