I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
