I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I cannot find my penis.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
