if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
someone owes me an orgasm
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
