I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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