so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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