I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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