I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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