That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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