Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
