It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
