accomplished twins. life is a go
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
