I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
