Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
